The Party Canadian Society and Politics - And the ass kissing can start with you!

Remember Ned Flanders, of course you remember Ned, and if you are asking who the hell Ned Flanders is I will take the time to explain who he is, while wonder at the same time wonder, where the hell have you been living for 14 years. Ned Flanders is the overly way too nice neighbour of Homer Simpson. He is quiet, proper and often puts up with this loud mouth neighbour who goes out of his way to bother Ned or either schemes up a way to take Ned for all he is worth and use him. On one such show of the Simpson’s Ned runs into a burning home to save Homers life, even after all the mean things Homer has done, Ned dove into the flames because he cares about his neighbour. Even when their friendship is somewhat rocky and Homer cares about himself and no one else Ned was there to lend a hand.

Well I was going to be nice about this but the hell with it, ever watch Boondock Saints? Well if not go rent it to begin with. In the words of Agent Smecker, let’s start the ass kissing with you I.E the United States of America.

Our relationship with the United States has been one like Ned and Homer however I personally believe we are way over due for a good firm hand shake, a smile and big F#$*ing thank you and sorry for the total crap we have put up with over the past 6 years . Oh where to begin that’s the big question, how about that Harlot Ann Coulter. Now I have nothing against the “conservatives” of the world, it’s a good thing for the political system…BUT! If I get one more web-link from that blond haired bimbo I am going to personally hunt her down roll her up in a blanket and throw her off a bridge, or at least give her a good swift kick in the shins with a wingtip shoe, please don't contact homeland security. Ms Coulter believes that Canada is godless land, where the people are sissies and should be invaded and taken over. Not once have I ever heard a nice word from that woman about Canada let alone anything. Canada? Godless? Have you ever been in Quebec or Cape Breton?? my point exactly. Sissys! What about all those hockey players and lumberjacks we produce, once again proven wrong. Then again I am totally surprised people still listen to that jerk, trust me she is about 2 steps away from playboy. Often enough Ann jumps on fox news and blathers about things that well, make no sense to anyone that has half a brain. She will do playboy her time will come. Did I mention porn??

What else have we taken it up the behind over, on yeah some guy named Maher Arar? Yes an innocent Canadian citizen of Syrian origin who fitted the American policy of “he looks Arab lets see if he is Taliban” was deported back to Syria while visiting the United States. Canada was neither contacted nor was the American government apologetic for such a horrendous blunder. Like we ever expected the American government to say SORRY we goofed on that one, they could at least offer some solace to Mr Arar, he did have his testicles attached to a battery, maybe a card or flowers perhaps?

Oh lets not forget economics! Currently all softwood lumber entering the United States is taxed and tariff. According to American authorities it is to protect the American softwood market. Yet on 3 different occasions an independent counsel for NAFTA has ruled in favour for Canada, noting that the tariffs being collected at the border is unfair and illegal. And let’s not forget BSE or Mad Cow disease; American borders were closed to Canadian beef imports after 1 single case of BSE was discovered in Canada. Even after extensive testing and assurance that all the cows were coming up clean American officials kept beef imports out and borders closed. Yeah um can someone explain to me why we have NAFTA and regulatory boards if they don’t have any weight or do any bloody good! You know what would be a good proper response, cut off those filthy seniors that are coming to Canada to get pills. That’s right taking away their medication and let them find a new dealer HA! Let them die, err no sorry I got carried away there for a second; I am a Canadian I am not suppose to be mean. We could just raise the price by 100% and I am sure they will be convinced they are getting a deal. And finally the hot button subject that everyone is interested in, a big four letter word that does not start with "F", IRAQ. After 9/11 the Canadian government sent combat troops to help with the war in Afghanistan, to hunt down and remove the Taliban and crush Al-Qaeda and find the ultimate James Bond villain Osama Bin Laden, the masterminds behind the terror attacks on US soil in 2001.

However things took a different turn a few years later when leather face him self Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien refused to send combat troops to Iraq and support George Bush’s justice league alliance. Like come on man even aqua man joined the cause, who can pass on the justice league, K sorry back to the story. Chrétien backed out due to lack of credible evidence that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. That and the fact the Canadian public opinion strongly opposed invading Iraq. The end result, Canadians were labelled as traitors to America, for leaving them out in the cold in their time of need, like they really need us to validate their cause to carpet bomb a tiny country back into the Stone Age. So let’s see if I got all of this right we have been labelled, Godless, a country of bleeding heart liberals, unpatriotic, uncaring, and had everything tossed our way we can handle. Minus the roid raging Ms. Parrish, the Canadian government has remained calm and collectively over all these matters. Attempting to go a diplomatic route for a solution instead of yelling and chest beating. Yes that worked really well , we should have been trying to get NHL hockey back instead of talking politics with the White House. Yeah things have totally gone our way with our way, its bad enough with gas prices, a CBC lockout and lack of NHL hockey (did I mention there was no hockey), but kicking us when we are down, that is just nasty.

Then hurricane Katrina hit (trust me I wanted to do a Katrina and the waves joke soooooo badly), and the worst natural disaster since the San Francisco earth quake in 1904 gripped the United States. Thousands of people lost everything and went homeless, thousands perished in the flood waters, and New Orleans was left in a toxic soup of mud and scum and crazy people everywhere said it was God smiting us. Their people homeless, starving, thirsty and in dire need of medical attention begged the world for help and cried on our T.V. screens. In response Canadians across the country opened up their wallets and made donations to the Red Cross, the Canadian military sent over a 1000 soldiers, sent military vessels, military engineers and tonnes of aid to help the victims of New Orleans. The same Canadian Military who did such a good job, that they were finished their mission in weeks and not months. The Vancouver Police Search and Rescue arrived in spots of New Orleans days before any American officials arrived to help the sick and wounded, and were highly praised by New Orleans officials for their dedication and hard work of trying to find any survivors in the ruined city. Many of our Red Cross volunteers have packed up and gone south to do anything that they could. Universities have opened their doors to American students; giving them free schooling during this crisis, and even the Province of New Brunswick offered to take in the people of New Orleans, to help their Acadian ancestors.

Just like Ned, Canadians often take a lot of crap, a lot of crap many people and countries wouldn’t take sitting down. As always we just mutter to ourselves shuffle our feet and go on with our lives. Just like Ned however we were there for our neighbours when it seemed like all was lost. From Day 1 Canadians were waiting for the word go and when given the green light we raced to New Orleans to help out our neighbours who lost so much. Anywhere’s you went in Canada you could see stands set up to take donations for Katrina, money, food, blankets, our aid agencies worked over time at full tilt to get to the big easy and try to help, from Tim Horton’s, to elementary schools and every religious organization in between. We came together without a second thought and poured our hearts out for the people of New Orleans. Even after all that has been hurled at us over the past few years do you think we will even get a thank you? I would be impressed if even George Bush remembers us in a speech a year down the road when New Orleans is fully re-opened again. Just like Ned Flanders we as Canadians are just way to nice and over looked all the bad stuff to help someone out in need. And some well deserved butt-kissing is in order to the highest degree. So on the behalf of all Canadians everywheres, if someone from the U.S.A is reading this SCREW YOU GUYS! Sorry I am Canadian I am suppose to be nice,Oh the hell with it NHL hockey is back so I could careless. I am getting myself a beer.

Nick "el-diablo" Davison is a semi patriotic Canadian drunk who writes for ThePartyLive weekly. Or whenever he isn't playing video games and being a drunken lush. Hate Mail or love letters can be send to nicholasdavison@gmail.com or via PM