Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 9:55 am Post subject: Bless me, Father...
A good joke that was sent to me at work
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the
last three weekends.”
Father Donavon asks: “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her
reputation.”
Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now.
Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say Father, please.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Brydie Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I will not! name her.”
“Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed, Father.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you’ve
sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be
off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.; "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
"First grade teacher, Mrs. Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade.
My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think
I should be in third grade too." Mrs. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Mrs. Brooks he would give the boy a test and
if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the
conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval
and
delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the
answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down
and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop
the
answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I'
questions, okay?"
Mrs. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me
up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs. Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when
you're
bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."
Mrs. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire-truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!""
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Aaron
Oh shit!!! lmao!!! That's really hilarious, Aaron!!! Good one!
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That's really hilarious, Aaron!!! Good one!
