The Party Canadian Society and Politics - Stupid People and the Gym

Posted on Wednesday, November 30 @ 21:10:44 CST by El-Diablo

And once again it is time for another instalment of The World According to Nick with “Stupid People and the Gym”

The world has turned, life marched on and my hate for people who frequent the gym has grown in the past few weeks, a series of different incidents has deepened my Darth Vader like anger for certain individuals (IE the old guy who tries to talk to me while naked waving his balls in my face, your time is coming) If you want to see some real stupid behaviour I suggest you go to your local gym some afternoon and just hang out and watch the wild life that goes by. It is human losers on parade, you got your drama queens, your bearded ladies, dwarfs, weight lifting supermen, want to be ninjas taking martial arts, wrestlers, hell the local YMCA is really an early 20th century side show more than anything. Literally it is a collection of mental patients and wild creatures, all of which should be tranquilized, tagged and released back into the wild to be tracked and monitored for further research. Or at least dragged into the street and beaten with big wooden stick with nails in them.

We have all been to the gym at one point or another, unless you are one of these people who never get outdoors and stay inside eating chips, playing halo or watching trashy daytime TV like Maury Povich all day long. Man, I cannot stop myself from watching that show. I mean with all the “I’m 100% sure that man’s my baby’s daddy”, followed by the suspense of the lie detector results proving the contrary, followed by the wailing and disbelief, it really can fill a whole afternoon! For instance, just the other day I was…err sorry I got off topic there. Really I never watched Maury………………………OH SCREW YOU! I BET YOU WATCH DR PHIL.

Ok, back to the topic at hand. Now I have been going to a gym since I was 16 and over the years you learn a few unwritten rules along the way. Such as don’t drink the tap water, why not? Cause trust me a lot of people go to the gym while sick, and a lot do not wash their hands, lets hear it for drinking water that touched someone’s genitals or anus, that’s right I said anus!. Another rule such as don’t stare at that hot girl/guy bent over doing yoga, you end up looking like a sex-offender, then again maybe you are one whatever works for ya pal. Also no peeing in the pool, and trust me if I ever catch you peeing in the pool I will beat you senseless with a flutter board in the crotch until it turns purple. And a bunch of other “rules” that seem like polite suggestions. What follows is a series of rules or Codes of conduct or “proper behaviour”, as some people would call it the generally accepted rules that everyone should follow while at the gym. If for some reason you read this and notice you do not follow these rules then I want you to turn in your gym pass right now and stop going. Please save us all from having to put up with your crap. Better yet burn all your running shoes, gloves, shirts, t-shirts and the stupid GNC card you probably own. It will make everyone feel much better. Hell toss yourself into the fire, it will probably wake you the hell up.

First thing, what the hell is with people yelling, grunting, screaming, and giving high fives while working-out. At any given moment this week, I will go to the YMCA and see some ass-clown screaming as he/she/she-male/cyborg, lifts weights. I swear they sounds like they are giving birth to some horrible creature coming out of their anus like it is Rosemary’s baby or the creature from Alien. Hell some of these guys and dolls are so hairy they could pass off for Chewbacca. I got a tip; shut the fuck up you losers. Really now unless you are bench pressing 600 pounds or squatting 1500 I do not want to hear one peep out of you mouth, not even once. These people look so pathetic, YOU DO look pathetic with your squished up face grunting as you do another arm curl with a measly 20 pounds. It seems like the less weight these goofs use the more sounds they make. You look and sound like a bunch of knuckle dragging Neanderthals and your moronic sounds are disturbing everyone else. Stop it because I am two steps away from smacking you in the back of a skull with a weight plate and thinning out the worlds population heard one meat head at a time.

Another real jerk who lurks around is the advice jockey or as I have come to recognize them “that dick head that is going to get his ass kicked” I have had several run-ins with this creature over the years. In most instances, the encounter ends horribly with me telling someone to go fornicate themselves with a big rotten stick. These people lurk all over the place and can be spotted very fast. They are chatty, out of shape, never leave the gym and are wearing every piece of Nike or adidas gear they can find, they take every class possible. Often you can find them sporting belts, gloves, pads, etc to aid them in a work out and pose a lot, oh yes the fucking posing, just once I wish they would just combust into flames and die.

They will go around often giving their un-wanted advice telling you that, “you are doing this wrong” or “here is how I do it”, along with a pile of other crap. I try to fucking tune them out every time with my mp3 player and hope that when I turn around they have had a brain haemorrhage and are no longer a functioning human being. They seem to gravitate to people who are either sporting some serious pipes or look to be in decent shape, so if you find yourself in this demographic, watch out. So listen you bitch, get out of my face you can stop waving around that pathetic looking protein shaker and go hang yourself with that stupid weight belt you big asshole, I do not need your advice or even want you talking to me. I swear if one more of these jerks come after me I will drop whatever I am doing and drown them in the hot tub out by the pool. Unless you are Joe Wielder, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronnie Coleman, a certified trainer or work for Men’s Health, or are really, really hot and want my phone number do not be giving out your useless advice you insightful little pain in the ass. SHUT UP. I don’t care to hear what moronic thing you have to say and chances are your theories are full of shit. Most times these people just like to hear themselves talk and really I am all for cutting their tongue out with a dull knife. Unless you are hot, then ya know we can meet up later or what not…okay moving on.

Then there is everyone else who causes havoc, the space and equipment Nazis. Yes I know who you are; you have spent your whole life fulfilling this pesty little role in society. You are the same person who hogged the fountain in school, the same douche who would take all the cool toys in playschool, and the same person who is a buzz kill for anything fun I want to do. Personally, I would pick the rusty spoon out of my arsenal to kill you. Maybe not kill, but I would derive a lot of enjoyment, possibly border line orgasmic enjoyment, to give you a well placed tactical kick to your genitals and watch you keel over and convulse. These people are a royal pain; they will gather in groups of 2 to 5 and take up an entire gym. They will stake claim to a piece of equipment or a spot in the gym and spend more time talking than they do working out. They will lean on the equipment or stand around and pose with it as though it were a beautiful woman (which they would never snag!). Each piece of equipment is holding an insane amount of weight on it that none of them can move more than 3 inches. Then they turn around and act like they are the best thing that came through those doors that day. FUCKING STOP IT.

Or how about the teenagers and the prissy girls who come into the place looking like they are heading to a club, dressed to try to impress the meatheads who are in the corner screaming doing another rep. Some of us have lives and things to do. If you are one of these losers, then get the hell out of my way and unless you are going to work out, get lost. Go to Tim Horton’s and talk, go to a bar, go to the mall, hell, go stand in traffic and get killed for all I care but stop hogging all the good equipment while some of us what to use it you fat annoying bastards, and keep the pimping to the bars!

I could of rambled on about several things but in conclusion if you give bad advice, avoid wiping down the machines when done, grunt, scream, wear those pieces of string you call a shirt, or thongs to the gym, pose in the mirror, wear perfume or body spray jump around giving high fives, ring out wet towels on the floor, hog equipment, clank the weights together on every rep, fart while in front of us all, do not shower before coming to the gym, don’t put away your weights, do not wash your hands in the bathroom or bitch for a cardio machine, then you deserve to wear a sign saying ‘stupid person incoming’. And you should be forced to wear mittens and a big hockey helmet to make sure you cannot do any damage. I hate you, and I hate few people. You are the scourge of the earth…err when it comes to the gym and exercise and I hope God Smites you idiots with explosive diarrhoea for the next 6 weeks.

That’s the world for me, the bar is closed everyone go home.

The World According To is written weekly, bi weekly, monthly or whenever he isn’t playing video games by Nick Davison: a semi – patriotic drunk who spends a large amount of his income on the YMCA. He also has a long standing pet peeve of the morons who go to the gym and seem to spawn from the bathroom floors. Hate mail, money, or nude pictures of sexy female fans can be sent too nicholasdavison@gmail.com or via private message.

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Stupid People and the Gym